|  equality00

Ending the silence

๐Œ๐ฒ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐จ๐ซ๐ฒ ๐ฅ๐ž๐š๐๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ญ๐จ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐›๐ข๐ซ๐ญ๐ก

๐Ÿ๐ฌ๐ญ ๐Œ๐š๐ฒ ๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ๐ŸŽ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐Ÿ๐จ๐ซ๐ž๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ ๐›๐ž ๐ž๐ญ๐œ๐ก๐ž๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ก๐ž๐š๐ซ๐ญ ๐š๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐ž ๐๐š๐ฒ ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ก๐ž๐š๐ซ๐ญ ๐ฌ๐ก๐š๐ญ๐ญ๐ž๐ซ๐ž๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐š ๐œ๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐ญ๐ฅ๐ž๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ž๐œ๐ž๐ฌ!

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ธ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ข ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜จ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ

๐™„๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™จ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ข๐™–๐™ฃ๐™ฎ ๐™˜๐™ฎ๐™˜๐™ก๐™š๐™จ

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฌ๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ถ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ง๐˜ถ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜š๐˜ข๐˜ฌ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ข (๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ค๐˜ฆ)

๐™„๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™จ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ง๐™ฉ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™– ๐™™๐™–๐™ง๐™  ๐™˜๐™๐™–๐™ก๐™ก๐™š๐™ฃ๐™œ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ฅ๐™š๐™ง๐™ž๐™ค๐™™ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ก๐™ž๐™›๐™š

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ง๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ถ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜บ, ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ง๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ดย 

๐™„๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™จ ๐™ข๐™š ๐™ง๐™š๐™˜๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™ฃ๐™š๐™˜๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™ ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™ฃ๐™–๐™ฉ๐™š ๐™˜๐™ค๐™ข๐™ฅ๐™–๐™จ๐™จ๐™ž๐™ค๐™ฃ

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ด๐˜ด๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ด๐˜ข๐˜ง๐˜ฆ

๐™„๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™จ ๐™ฅ๐™–๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™›๐™ช๐™ก ๐™—๐™š๐™ฎ๐™ค๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ฌ๐™ค๐™ง๐™™๐™จ ๐™˜๐™–๐™ฃ ๐™š๐™ซ๐™š๐™ง ๐™ง๐™š๐™ฅ๐™ง๐™š๐™จ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ฉ

๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ, ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ฐ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ธ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ฎ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ, ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜บ

๐™„๐™ฉ ๐™ข๐™–๐™ง๐™ ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ค๐™› ๐™–๐™ฃ ๐™š๐™ง๐™– ๐™ค๐™› ๐™ข๐™š ๐™ž๐™™๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™›๐™ฎ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™–๐™จ ๐™– ๐˜พ๐™ค๐™ง๐™ฅ๐™ค๐™ง๐™–๐™ฉ๐™š ๐™ˆ๐™–๐™ง๐™ ๐™š๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™š๐™ญ๐™š๐™˜๐™ช๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ซ๐™š

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ข ๐˜‹๐˜ข๐˜ธ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ข ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ข ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜™๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ด!

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Prior to my stillbirth

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŠย  ๐š–๐šŠ๐š–๐šŠ ๐š‹๐š•๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐Ÿธ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐šŠ๐šž๐š๐š’๐š๐šž๐š• ๐š‹๐š˜๐šข๐šœย 

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŠ ๐š–๐šŠ๐š–๐šŠ ๐š ๐š‘๐š˜ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐šŠ๐šŒ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š–๐š™๐š•๐š’๐šœ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐šข๐š๐š‘๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š•๐š ๐š๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š–๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šœ๐šž๐šŒ๐šŒ๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœย 

๐šˆ๐šŽ๐š ๐™ฝ๐š˜ ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š ๐š˜๐š ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š๐šŽ๐š•๐š ๐š•๐š’๐š”๐šŽ ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šœ๐šž๐šŒ๐šŒ๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ๐š๐šž๐š•ย 

๐™ด๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐šข ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š ๐š˜๐š me ๐š๐šŽ๐š•๐š like ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š๐šŠ๐š’๐š•๐š’๐š—๐š

ย ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š๐šŠ๐š’๐š•๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŠ ๐š–๐š˜๐š–ย 

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š๐šŠ๐š’๐š•๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŠ ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š๐š—๐šŽ๐š›ย 

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐š ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š•๐š–๐šŽ๐š ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š ๐š˜๐š›๐š” ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š๐š’๐š ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š”๐š—๐š˜๐š  ๐š‘๐š˜๐š  ๐š๐š˜ ๐š‹๐šŽ ๐šŒ๐š›๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š๐šŽ ๐š‹๐š˜๐šž๐š—๐š๐šŠ๐š›๐š’๐šŽ๐šœ

ย ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŒ๐š›๐šž๐š–๐š‹๐š•๐š’๐š—๐š ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŽ๐šก๐š‘๐šŠ๐šž๐šœ๐š๐šŽ๐š ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š‹๐šž๐š›๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐šž๐š ๐™ธ

ย ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š˜๐š— ๐šŠ ๐š–๐š’๐šœ๐šœ๐š’๐š˜๐š— ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐šž๐š•๐š๐š’๐š•๐š• ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐š›๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š– ๐š˜๐š ๐š‘๐šŠ๐šŸ๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐š˜๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š› ๐šŒ๐š‘๐š’๐š•๐šย 

๐™ฐ๐šœ ๐š๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š ๐š˜๐šž๐š•๐š ๐š‹๐šŽ ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐š’๐šŒ๐š”๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐šœ๐š๐šŠ๐šข๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐š ๐š‘๐š˜๐š–๐šŽย 

๐™ฐ๐šœ ๐š๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š ๐š˜๐šž๐š•๐š ๐š“๐šž๐šœ๐š๐š’๐š๐šข ๐š–๐šŽ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š‘๐š˜๐š–๐šŽ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š‹๐š›๐š’๐š—๐š ๐šž๐š™ ๐š–๐šข ๐š—๐šŽ๐š  ๐š‹aby

ย ๐šƒ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š๐š’๐šŒ๐š”๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐š›๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š๐š˜๐š– that ๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š‹๐šŠ๐š—๐š”๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š— ๐š ๐š’๐š๐š‘ ๐š๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š› ๐š•๐š’๐š๐šŽ

ย 

๐šƒ๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š™๐šŠ๐š๐š‘ ๐š๐š˜ ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š—๐šŒ๐šŽ๐š™๐š๐š’๐š˜๐š— ๐š‘๐š˜๐š ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š› ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐šŠ๐š— ๐šŽ๐šŠ๐šœ๐šข ๐š˜๐š—๐šŽ

๐™ธ ๐šŒ๐š˜๐šž๐š•๐š ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š๐šŽ๐š ๐š™๐š›๐šŽ๐š๐š—๐šŠ๐š—๐šย 

๐™ธ ๐š˜๐š™๐š๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š๐š’๐š•๐š’๐š๐šข ๐š›๐š˜๐šž๐š๐šŽ

๐™ธ ๐š๐š’๐š ๐š—๐š˜๐š ๐š›๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š•๐š’๐šฃ๐šŽ ๐š’๐š ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š–๐šข ๐šœ๐š๐š›๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœ ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š›๐š ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š•๐š– ๐š๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐šŠ๐š๐š๐šŽ๐šŒ๐š๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š๐š’๐š•๐š’๐š๐šขย 

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š“๐šž๐šœ๐š ๐šœ๐š˜ ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐šž๐š๐š‘๐š ๐šž๐š™ ๐š’๐š— ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š–๐šœ๐š๐šŽ๐š› ๐š ๐š‘๐šŽ๐šŽ๐š• ๐š˜๐š ๐š•๐š’๐š๐šŽย 

๐™พ๐š ๐š‹๐šž๐šœ๐šข๐š—๐šŽ๐šœ๐šœย 

๐™พ๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š’๐š—๐š

๐šƒ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐™ธ ๐š‘๐šŠ๐š ๐š–๐š’๐šœ๐šœ๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š ๐šŠ๐š‹๐š˜๐šž๐š

๐š‚๐š•๐š˜๐š ๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜๐š ๐š—

๐™ฐ๐š‹๐š˜๐šž๐š ๐šœ๐š’๐š–๐š™๐š•๐šข ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š’๐š—๐š

ย 

๐˜ผ๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™ž๐™ฉ ๐™๐™–๐™ฅ๐™ฅ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™š๐™™, ๐™„ ๐™ฌ๐™–๐™จ ๐™ฅ๐™ง๐™š๐™œ๐™ฃ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™ฉย 

๐™„ ๐™˜๐™ค๐™ช๐™ก๐™™ ๐™จ๐™ข๐™š๐™ก๐™ก ๐™›๐™ง๐™š๐™š๐™™๐™ค๐™ขย 

๐™๐™๐™ž๐™จ ๐™ข๐™ค๐™ข๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ฉ ๐™ค๐™› โ€œ๐™ฌ๐™๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™„ ๐™๐™–๐™ซ๐™š ๐™ข๐™ฎ 3๐™ง๐™™ ๐™—๐™–๐™—๐™ฎ โ€œ

๐™„ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ข๐™–๐™ ๐™š ๐™–๐™ข๐™š๐™ฃ๐™™๐™จ,ย 

๐™„ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™š๐™ฃ๐™Ÿ๐™ค๐™ฎ ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ก๐™ž๐™›๐™š,ย 

๐™„ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ฎ ๐™๐™ค๐™ข๐™š ๐™–๐™ฃ๐™™ ๐™—๐™š ๐™– ๐™ข๐™–๐™ข๐™– ๐™–๐™ฅ๐™ฅ๐™š๐™–๐™ง๐™š๐™™ ๐™˜๐™ก๐™ค๐™จ๐™š๐™งย 

ย 

I was working long hours,ย 

Doing as much as I could, cause,ย 

In my heart this was all soon coming to an end

ย 

๐˜ˆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ, ๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ

๐˜‘๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ ๐˜ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฆ๐˜น๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ค๐˜ฆย 

๐˜ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ถ๐˜ฑ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜–๐˜ค๐˜ต 31 ๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜บย 

๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ, ๐˜ ๐˜ด๐˜ข๐˜ธ ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ

๐˜‰๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅย 

๐˜๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅย 

๐˜›๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฑ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜Œ๐˜™ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ฃ๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ด ๐˜ด๐˜ข๐˜ง๐˜ฆ

๐˜›๐˜ฐ ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข ๐˜ด๐˜ถ๐˜ฃ ๐˜ค๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ช๐˜ค ๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜จ๐˜ฆ

๐˜›๐˜ฐ ๐˜ง๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ถ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ on ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ตย 

ย 

So now I was laying in home on bed rest

Not working, free from the overwhelmย 

Yet felt so overwhelmedย 

ย 

I was given permission to lie down and not do anythingย 

Wow a break from the constant rushing around

Did this make me feel relieved? Happy? Freedom?

No in fact, I was laying in bed wishing to be back in the hamster wheel that I was familiar withย 

ย 

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐š–๐šข ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š— ๐Ÿบ ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐Ÿป ๐šข๐šŽ๐šŠ๐š› ๐š˜๐š•๐š ๐š‹๐š˜๐šข๐šœ ๐š๐šŽ๐š›๐š›๐š’๐š๐š’๐šŽ๐š

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š– ๐šŒ๐š˜๐š—๐š๐šž๐šœ๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š ๐š‘๐šข ๐š–๐š˜๐š–๐š–๐šข ๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ ๐š•๐šŠ๐šข๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š˜๐š— ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š– ๐š ๐š˜๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š› ๐š ๐š‘๐šข ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐š—โ€™๐š ๐šœ๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š๐šŠ๐š”๐šŽ ๐šž๐šœ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š™๐šŠ๐š›๐š” ๐šŠ๐š—๐šข๐š–๐š˜๐š›๐šŽ

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š– ๐šŒ๐š›๐šข ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐šŠ๐šœ๐š” ๐š ๐š‘๐šข ๐šŒ๐šŠ๐š—โ€™๐š ๐šœ๐š‘๐šŽ ๐š™๐šž๐š ๐šž๐šœ ๐š๐š˜ ๐š‹๐šŽ๐š ๐šŠ๐š—๐šข๐š–๐š˜๐š›๐šŽ

๐™ธ ๐š ๐šŠ๐š๐šŒ๐š‘๐šŽ๐š ๐š๐š‘๐šŽ๐š– ๐š•๐š˜๐š˜๐š” ๐šŠ๐š ๐š–๐šŽ ๐šŠ๐š—๐š ๐š ๐š˜๐š—๐š๐šŽ๐š› ๐šŠ๐š›๐šŽ ๐š ๐šŽ ๐šŽ๐šŸ๐šŽ๐š› ๐š๐š˜๐š’๐š—๐š ๐š๐š˜ ๐š๐šŽ๐š ๐š˜๐šž๐š› ๐š–๐šŠ๐š–๐šŠ ๐š‹๐šŠ๐šŒ๐š”?

ย 

While it appeared that I should be relaxing and enjoyingย 

As I had just got a โ€œget out of jailโ€ card

The truth is I was so filled with fear and anxiety that every moment felt like an eternityย 

Every moment was one that I had to faceย 

Every moment was one that reminded me that I was not safeย 

Every moment that made me question if baby was ok

Every moment I felt guilt, watching my partner run around and do everythingย 

Every moment I wondered is this the end?

ย 

The end and the beginning

ย 

The end came when I least expected

At 38 weeks, I celebrated that we had made it

And on that exact day of celebration

She chose to soar with her beautiful angel wings

She died in my womb, I was rebirthedย 

It was the end of our dreamsย 

But the start of ones we had never dreamed off

ย 

ย 

To the mama who is/has been on bed rest I want you to know

That I feel you, I see you

That I know how lonely it feels even though your loved ones are right there around you

That itโ€™s ok to not feel relaxedย 

That of course you would not feel safe

That your protective mama bear instinct is super activated

That the fear of losing your baby may rob you from the joy of acknowledging his/her presence in your womb

ย 

To the mama who has witnessed a loss, miscarriage, still birth, I want you to know

I hear your silent cries

I feel the tightness and pain you are feeling in your heart

I see you crying in the middle of the night

that what you feel is real

that a loss is a loss, no matter at what stage you were in your pregnancy

it is a loss of dreams and hope of how you see your family grow

it is a loss that is worthy of acknowledgement!

ย 

As for me in the now,

ย yes there are times when grief still visits

and I welcome grief and allow the tears to cleanse me in ways I will never know

and yes in my heart I will always carry her

she is my angel

she is my gateway to my journey of living in the now, of slowing down, and for that I am eternally grateful

ย 

Ummul Patrawala isย a yoga instructor and facilitator of The WOMB Healing Circle at The WOMB: The World of my Baby in Milton, ON. She is a mom to 3 wonderful and active boys and a former marketing executive. Ummul has grown up with yoga and has been actively sharing and teaching yoga to her own kids and within her community since 2010. She is currently preparing a program called Birthing into Motherhood - a prenatal yoga and mindfulness childbirth and parenting preparation class.ย 

@ummulpatrawala on IG, https://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousmotherscommunity


Get in touch!ย Give us a call at 905.842.2434, or click here to book an appointment.ย 

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